In the event of a vampire apocalypse, the first thing to do is stay calm. Vampires, while quite deadly, have a number of key weaknesses that can easily be exploited to keep them at bay. Follow these simple steps to ensure that the infection is rooted out, and life can return to normal.
Detecting the threat:
While people often report zombies, far fewer will report vampire attacks. Likely indicators of a vampire uprising will include:
An upswing in muggings in urban locations.
A sudden decrease in the churchgoing population.
Increased numbers of volunteers at blood drives.
High school teenagers sneaking into secure government facilities.
If these criteria are met, begin investigating.
Capture a vampire.
This can easily be done by doing things that no normal human should ever do, such as walking down a dark alley at night or making out in dimly-lit bars.
If bitten during this process, please submit yourself to the authorities so that you may be observed upon transformation.
Invite a priest to observe the captured vampire.
Sprinkle vampire with Holy Water.
Expose vampire to the crucifix.
Attempt to stab vampire through the heart with a wooden stick.
Report results to Washington.
Combating the threat:
Inform people of the threat. Advise everyone throughout the world to:
Not allow strangers into their homes.
Not to walk down dark alleys at night.
Not to go on dates with random guys or girls (especially ones that may be using pheromones to make themselves appear more attractive).
Attend church at least once a week.
Not to drink and drive (as long as other good behaviors are being encouraged, might as well slip this one in too).
Begin working on countering the threat.
Attach a crucifix to all active soldiers on vampire duty.
Begin training soldiers in martial arts (emphasis placed on wooden weapons).
Film this process (it’ll make for incredible source material when the documentaries about the Vampire Wars start rolling out in a few years).